What is it about pain that wants us to hold on to it?
Last month, I talked about losing a friend.
I’ve been trying to put it behind me, but it’s been hard. Not just that we drifted apart, but how we drifted apart. I keep dwelling on the last, painful things this person said to me.
And I don’t think they said them to hurt me, but the words still hurt.
More than I realized, too, because despite my intentions to focus on my own personal growth, my mind keeps dwelling on the past. Even after cutting ties (both in person and online), I couldn’t let them go.
Did they think about me at all? Did they even care that we just fell apart they way we did? Where they hurting the way I am hurting?
Then I blogged about it (a long, rambling post, too) and that really helped to work out some of the feelings I had been carrying around with me. I worked through some things and felt lighter. I had finally — finally — let go of some of the hurt. I realized that it doesn’t matter whether I cross their mind anymore. If they are hurting over the loss of this friendship in the way that I am, it is their burden to work out without me. I also realized that with this person I never truly felt like I could be myself. I could only be a small portion of myself. I did not feel whole around them and when we drifted apart as I began to work on my own growth, I felt whole.
And whole, I didn’t fit into place with them anymore.
So I’m finding new places where I fit.
I watched a movie the other day called “Brittany Runs a Marathon” (Amazon). It was super motivating and by the end of it, I was ugly crying at my computer at all the changes the main character went through. One of the biggest lessons in the movie was losing a friend in order to evolve and be whole. I tell you that part of the movie resonated so, so hard with me. And when another character said, “It was never about you running, it was about you taking responsibility for your life.” Ooh. Friends, I felt that so deeply.
By the end of the movie, I had let go of a little more pain. I decided I wanted to try running again, too.
So I reached out to a friend who runs and they offered to run with me. I am seriously going to take them up on that offer. Because I need to let more people in. I need to find the new places where I fit and feel whole. I need to surround myself with people who encourage me to be my whole self and not make me feel like I need to hide pieces of myself in order to fit with them.
And when the opportunity to go out with a new friend came along, I took it. We did a little shopping and went to the movies. It felt so good. So…refreshing. There wasn’t any expectation to behave or act a certain way. I could exist and be whole and it was enough.
I was enough. I am enough.
So are you.
Letting go is hard. It can be messy and painful and there’s the temptation to stalk people on social media (I did it and immediately regretted it). Losing one friend can lead to the loss of other (mutual) friends. That’s hard, too.
But there are places where we can exist and be whole.
We have to let go of the pain and make room to invite new people in. We have to let people see us — all of us, good, bad and ugly.
We are all of us enough.
Moon + Magic
Deck: Moonology Oracle
Three card spread this time, cause that’s just what I was feeling. And damn did these cards call me out.
Card One: What is falling away? What needs forgiveness?
A new start is coming! This is a time to give yourself permission to start fresh. You don’t need to wait for a Monday, a new moon or a new month to start something. Give yourself permission to let go of the past and move forward.
Card Two: What is illuminated in my life? What is this full moon showing me?
You and your loved ones are safe. Let people in a little bit, more. Take some time to focus on the places you feel whole and safe and let go of insecurities. Reconnect with loved ones at home — family movie/game night or dinner at the table with no electronics.
Card Three: What is coming next?
A personal issue reaches resolution. Let go of emotions that are hindering you or keeping you from moving forward. Stop sulking! Take a deep breath and exhale all those insecurities. As you move forward, find things that calm, center and ground you. Lead with kindness when dealing with others.
Full Moon in Virgo
Virgo is a productive sign. Full moons are all about completion and letting go.
It’s also the full moon before spring…ya know, spring cleaning? This is a fantastic time to finish up old projects and start looking at decluttering your life, home, garage, etc.
Several years ago I did the Mari Kondo thing, and loved it. I think it’s about time to do it again and start releasing all the junk that doesn’t spark joy. Have you heard of the KonMari method or watched her show on Netflix? I recommend both.
Virgo can be a little anxious and antsy though, so be easy on yourself. Set small, obtainable goals and take breaks when you need them. You don’t want to burn yourself out.
Full Moon Magic
The full moon falls on Monday, March 9. Use the weekend before hand to go through your closet, garage or even just the junk drawer in the kitchen and clean it out. Throw all the crap you know you don’t need and will never use away.
Organize your coat closet. Start a project this weekend and finish by Monday.
Release the stuff that doesn’t spark joy.
Weight of the World: What is something weighing heavily on your mind? Write about it. All the frustration, pain, anger, hurt…all of it. Get it all down. Whether you write it down on paper or type it up, it doesn’t matter. Your thoughts don’t need to be cohesive, either. You’re not trying to find solutions here, you’re just screaming into the void. As loud as you want for as long as you want. Just get all out. Release some of that pain. Bonus: If written on paper, burn it.
To Do List: Make a list of small, obtainable goals you can achieve in the next two weeks. Things like, go running 2x week or go for a girl’s night. Whatever it is you need or want to achieve that can realistically be done in the next couple of weeks. Work into your routine. My goal is to start running. I’m downloading the C25K app and I’m going to start there.
Thank you for subscribing to “Moonlit Musings”. The next issue will release with the Thursday before the new moon in Aries on March 24, 2020. If you find yourself curious for a personalized tarot reading, feel free to book a session through my website. Alternatively, you can check out my Patreon, where subscribers can gain access to weekly energy readings and personalized moon readings for as little as $3/mo.